Disclaimer in Bold and Italics: This post contains no Alok Nath memes.
If you think I’m going to troll about Alok Nath here and bore you, no reader, no! I’m here to scrutinize what has been a dismal display of mockery and to pin down the reason for the same. I have 3 theories on why this happened. (and one of those is NOT a conspiracy theory). I like the third one the most. I have evidences for that one.
Theory 1: The PR Conspiracy
Alok Nath (the character, not the person) has been the forgotten hero. In his movies, he braves the world and has to bear the curses and melodrama of the society. He almost certainly has an irrant wife and a beautiful girl, who, for obvious reasons might have been the apple of “Mohalle Wala Gullu’s” eye, death threats and dowry warnings. All this hyperness all over his face has balded him half like a good suburban Daddy, and despite all this, the ‘sanskari’ ‘ghar-jamhai’ steals the show instead of Alok Nath himself! Second place is bagged by Alok’s daughter, who is imcomprehensibly beautiful, and still settles down for even the most ordinary guy her Dad would choose. Big sacrifice, that! Third place goes either to Alok’s wife, or to a villianous character in the movie (Sometimes, these both are the same).
The point is, Alok is nowhere in the picture. Not even in top 5. While in real life such a character should have been the lead role, in movies, he is brightening his sly smile in the backdrop of married couple, but is taken out of focus by the cameraman. What a disgrace!
So, this first theory states that this was a stunt pulled off by Alok Nath’s PR agency, so that the next time a cameraman gets a job for an Alok Nath movie, he focusses on Alok even if the villian is getting murdered in the side-frame. And if he wouldn’t, you as viewers would. Even if it is just for LOLs.
Formal Postulate: The PR firm wants to draw the attention of movie-goers towards Alok Nath, to define him as the lead actor in his upcoming movies.
Theory 2: He wants to pull off ‘The Miley’
No, I’m not referring to the obscenity. Miley Cyrus used to be this girl-next-door untill she turned into this super-spoiled brat who is obscenely clad and is flirting (to put it mildly) with a man her Dad’s age. Result? Moolah! Publicity! Talk show topics!
Now imagine if in the next movie, Alok Nath comes in the frame drooling over a pool of cigar-scotch cocktail, side-slinging an M4 Assault rifle, sporting an shabbily overgrown beard, being caressed by five bikini babes (yes, five is the precise number, but more on that later)! Wouldn’t it be… Super badass!? Just like a Gabbar Singh of modern times. So, that’s with this theory.
Formal Postulate: Keep calm, and forget the memes. And wwwwait for his upcoming movies.
Theory 3: The NSA Angle: The Strongest Evidence
We all know how NSA tracks down everything. Right from this blog post to the tab that you recently closed and don’t want anyone to know about, they make it a point to know all of these little things. This is gazillions of pettabytes of information and they run out of storage frequently. They needed a more streamlined approach. Now what follows is a bit of an inside information. I’m a bit scared as I type this Class One classified piece of documentation, but hey, I’m brave! Here it is:
The NSA found out about this incorrigibly good character of Hindi movies, and sat down a team of Harvard-Stanford psychology experts on how they could leverage this ‘phenomenon’ to aggregate the moods of the masses. And those experts came up with this solution “Start a trend on Alok Nath’s peculiarity. A meme would be ideal, and circulate it amongst the masses. The jokes that people make, and the responses other people make to those jokes will help us find out the exact sentiment of the people of different areas”.
How do I know this?
While I was outrunning the brutal hounds of Area 51, I managed to get my hands on this piece of super classified documentation. It is torn, and still soaked in my blood. Here it is:
Formal Postulate: Alok Nath is a data aggregation and sentiment analysis tool for the NSA. Keep calm, and feed noise to NSA.
All said and done, I deserve a pat on my back for the near-fatal espionage of journalism, uncovering the truth, what India TV has failed to do at all. I have more evidences and documents in my custody. If you’re interested, please let me know. I’m willing to share them all.
If you’re NSA or Alok Nath, please contact me through your fake Twitter handle (fondly called ‘fandle’) to get a hand on these.